Coming Up Destiny
by CalKJ
Summary: It's a phrase that describes a feeling you want to share, so why not use it 100 times with your friends, your enemies, your strangers, your Chirithies...go nuts! This collection of short stories follows the lives of many hearts, unearthing secrets and feelings of pure joy, not to mention what's seedier. Whether it's from the light or darkness, everything's coming up destiny!
1. Divine Hate

**Chapter 1: Divine Hate**

"Hm…Hercules. Then…the Titans. And maybe Kratos, too…? Can't forget about Mr. Zurkon…"

The confusing babbling nonsense currently dripping from Sora's mouth had nothing to do with, well…anything. Yeah, he was standing in the middle of the octagonal ring, the true heart of Olympus Coliseum. The purple flames blazing atop the coliseum walls seemed to be the center of Sora's sinister attention.

From head to toe, our young, red shorts-clad hero was covered in the black and violet blood of slain Heartless. He chuckled to himself.

"I'll take on anyone."

 **-X-**

"That! THAT right there! Look at him, Dad!" Hercules bellowed, pointing one accusing finger at the Greek-Viewer.

Zeus, the bearded dude with all the godlike seniority, stared intently at the realistic hologram of Sora. Doubtfully, Zeus shook his head, asking, "And you're sure that's the same kid who fought not only Cerberus but my brother Hades as well?"

Hercules' confirmation said it all. "That's him, Dad. Look, it's that golden glow in the center of his eyes. He has god-essence."

"No way," Zeus shot down. "I feel like I'd know more about this kid by now."

Herc' grew impatient; lowly, he growled, "Just tell the truth, Father! Is he…is he another one of your sons?"

Laughing, the chief Greek sputtered, "That kid? You think that pip-squeak is part of my bloodline? Get real…"

Herc' scoffed. "Well, it wouldn't be unlikely, knowing how you get around."

"He's not my kid. Trust me, I would know. Sort of…" Shaking his head impatiently, Zeus concluded, "Nah. I can't spawn nothin' that tiny."

Flexing, Hercules insisted, "Hey—I started out on the puny side, too. Now look at me."

Suddenly, Sora's holographic projection interjected, "Yeah, Zeus. Now look at him."

Both gods gasped.

"Okaaaay, now this kid's officially a creep! Better send him to Hell." And with that, Zeus stood up from his throne on Mount Olympus, readied a lightning bolt, and—

"Wait! Dad, are you crazy?!" Hercules exclaimed, lunging over to halt Zeus's lightning bolt toss. Struggling to hold off his pop's throwing arm, the Zero-to-Hero yelled, "He's one of the good guys, remember? He's helped me save Megara before, not to mention all the times he's bested Hades!"

Zeus simmered down, returning to his throne. "Hold on…. That's the same child? Wasn't he a bit taller than this?"

Herc' explained, "Yeah, he sometimes switches between his younger and older selves because of…well, I got no clue. But believe me, his older body is just as god-tier, if not more so."

Suddenly again, Sora's realistic hologram spoke up, "I got it! Ahem… _I'll have what he's having!"_

While Hercules was confused, Zeus was distraught. Slamming his fist on the arm of his pimp-chair, he swore, "Dammit…I think he just discovered the secret to infinite mana."

 **-X-**

Sora felt his magic gauge refill instantly. Smirking, he commanded, "Next victim."


	2. Royal Redemption

**Chapter 2: Royal Redemption**

Kairi wept. A spirit had been moving her lately.

She stood there behind the pulpit, in the center of a small pool. She wasn't alone.

Of all people available to perform this ceremony, she hadn't expected Santa Claus to be on call. He had told her it would be short, private, and just what she needed. Kairi couldn't agree more.

There, they stood, amidst the shallow pool. Mr. Claus opened his book and began reciting things, things that went right through the weeping girl. Then, he took the white towel, held it to her face, and methodically cradled her underwater, holding her there briefly before bringing her back.

The white dress was saturated. Her visage was changed. Santa shook her hand, beaming.

Kairi gushed with gratitude, hugging the chief elf tightly.

He told her, "Now, you're brand new."


	3. Swimsuits

**Chapter 3: Swimsuits**

"Man, I don't see anything here I like," Riku complained.

Sora conferred, "Yeah, me neither. Oh wait—except that! Aw, man—Tidus is already buying it!"

The two teens were shopping it up at the local mall. Springtime was just around the corner, and their parents gave both boys money to buy stylish new swimsuits. Of course, their definition of stylish was mostly centered on what was most expensive.

"What's wrong? Too scared to look like your twin?" Riku teased.

"He is _not_ my twin! We have totally different hairstyles." Sora spotted a red jumpsuit out the corner of his eye. "Now that might be more my speed. Looks comfy, too!"

Riku rolled his eyes. "Tch. You _would_ wear something like that."

Sora browsed around for a jumpsuit his size. "Heck yeah. It's gotta zipper in the front in case I need to take a leak. Hey, and there's a built-in net!"

"They all have nets, dingus," Riku retorted. "Do they have one in my size?"

"No way you're getting the same one I'm getting." Sora didn't want to get possessive, but he _did_ see it first.

Scratching his brow, the older teen said, "Well, it's better than wearing my school uniform." That's when he spotted someone familiar in the girls' section. Nudging his younger pal in the ribs, Riku whispered, "Check it out—it's Kairi!"

"Huh?" Sora looked and saw the girl browsing swimsuits with her parents. Just like the boys, she was still wearing her school uniform. "What's the big deal? Just go say hi."

"Well, shut up and come with me!" Just like it sounded, it was not a question, but rather a demand, punctuated by the fact that he started pulling Sora with him.

"Hey, Kairi! And, uh, Mister Mayor!" Riku greeted more-or-less awkwardly.

"Yeah, what's goin' on," Sora added, irritably straightening his shirt sleeve.

"Sora. Riku. Nice to see you boys," said the mayor dryly.

"Oh, hey guys!" Kairi shouted with glee. "You takin' advantage of the swimsuit sale, too?"

"Oh, yeah…!" Riku drew a blank after that.

Sora added to his friend's profound response, "Yeah. I'm just tryin' not to buy the same thing he does. Why you always gotta copy me, Riku?"

"As if!" he heatedly replied.

Meanwhile, Kairi got her laughs, replying, "I'm looking for anything that matches my skirts. Dad won't let me get a bikini."

Sora shrugged. Riku, however, was stuck staring, so the younger boy asked, "You wanna go see the island tomorrow?"

"Sure!" Meanwhile, Riku frowned; Kairi turned to her adoptive father and asked, "Can I go play on the island tomorrow? There's no school!"

The mayor shook his head. "It's supposed to storm tomorrow. I don't think—"

"We'll go nice and early, right Sora?" Kairi seemed eager.

The mayor conceded, "Fine, but you'd better have your homework done before going anywhere—"

"All _right!"_ Kairi exclaimed before sharing high fives with either boy.

Once again taking Sora's arm, Riku concluded the conversation promptly, "Awesome, great. We'll see you there, Kairi."

"Bye guys!" she called after them.

"Uh-huh, see ya," said a vexed Sora.


	4. This Rhyme Skirmish

**Chapter 4: This Rhyme Skirmish**

Master Xehanort was a busy man. However, during his downtime, he rather enjoyed frequenting fast food eateries. One morning, he chose McDonalds.

Walking in, he was greeted by the smell of French fries, ketchup, and greasiness. The elder Keyblade Master was quite fond of the fearful looks the workers behind the counter would give him. So unversed. So full of twitchiness.

But as he approached the counter to place his order, he noticed _her_ sitting there, way in the back. He growled under his breath, "Ugh…Maleficent."

"Sir, um…I can take your order now." The man behind the counter must have noticed the sharp increase in tension. Or maybe Xehanort's pointy ears freaked him out.

Clearing his throat, Master Xehanort stated, "One mocha latte with a side of hash browns. Make that two sides of hash browns."

"Coming right up."

After a quick exchange of munny, Xehanort took his order number and strategically sat one booth seat away from Maleficent, opting to face her directly. He sneered at her while she sipped her diet nonsense. Their connected eye contact was toxic enough to leave fallout.

Quickly, Maleficent turned her attention to a magical projection she'd summoned aloft the table; a rerun of Golden Girls.

Xehanort _hated_ that show.

Clearing his throat again, he finally broke the ice, "Whether moving around or holding still, Maleficent, my dear, you look like swill."

Nearly spitting out her soft drink, Maleficent responded curtly, "Oh, it's _on."_

Through some sort of magical trickery, the mad witch filled the entire restaurant with smoky vapors, even dimming the lights in favor of strobe flashiness.

From her McDonalds booth seat, Maleficent bellowed in a loud voice, "You walk in my shadow, projecting your lies! I'll snatch those pointy ears right through your eyes!" Calmer, she said, "Don't you mess with me."

Xehanort's eyebrows intensified. "Oh, Mistress of Mockeries, both funny and sad—go back to your hen house and gad, gad, gad!"

"Weak." Maleficent dialed it up a notch. "Your technique is of folly, and your hygiene—good golly. I swear you're a freakshow all crammed in one trolley."

Time to go for broke. "You dress like a nun, but you live in pure squalor. You're just hating because your boy is a baller." Xehanort smirked after that one.

Maleficent rose up from her booth seat, levitating as she screeched, "I have the riches as well as good looks. You have the appeal of rusty old hooks!"

Fake-laughing, Xehanort retaliated, "I knew it as soon as I walked in the door—you shouldn't be here, like puke on the floor!"

"Insolent fool…" Then, Maleficent said, "Comb your beard, you delusional hack! And quit hunching over before I break your back!"

Xehanort stood to his feet, ready to unleash a haymaker—

"Order twenty-nine," said one of the workers, delivering Xehanort's order of coffee and hash browns.

"Much appreciated." After giving his mocha latte a quick sip, Xehanort fired off, "Mistress of Swill, begone from arena! I may not be Brad, but you're _certainly no Angelina!"_

Maleficent gasped. "Your mother."

"Cow."

"Elf."

"Tree."

"Sphincter."

Suddenly, a masked Vanitas walked in, sounding quite angry. "Yo, old man! I thought you were getting your crap to-go! What's the deal?"

The smoke disappeared. The lights returned to normal. Xehanort grabbed his drink and tray of hash browns, heading for the exit. Casually, he told his young ward, "Let us leave this wretched place."

Following the old man, Vanitas commented, "So you're stealing the tray."

Settling down from their previous skirmish of rhymes, Maleficent vowed lowly, "This isn't over."

Then, she vanished in green flames, or whatever.


	5. Riku's New Keyblade

**Chapter 5: Riku's New Keyblade**

"Over here!" Pence yelled over the paparazzi, snapping pictures like a machine gun. "Lemme get your good side, Riku!"

Posing with his new suped-up Keyblade, Riku muttered irritably, "These people act like they've never seen a dominant main character before. Sheesh…"

Also snapping pictures, Quasimodo requested, "Hey, is there any way you can look like less of a douchebag holding that oversized car key?"

"I'll see you after class, choir-boy," Riku deflected, yawning with his weapon on the shoulder. "Anyone else wanna try me?"

"You don't got us shook, Reeks!" said Beat. "We knows you ain't supposed to use that Key-stick 'til the next Kingdom Hearts III trailer drops, _boi!"_

"Oh, is that right? Nothing's stopping me from kicking your face without the weapon."

Beat thought about it for a hot second. "Oh, snaps…you gots a point, yo."

A Moogle, armed with a bright blue microphone and a fluttering pair of wings, asked in an eloquent voice, "Mr. Riku, do you have any words of encouragement for the younger audience of Kingdom Hearts?"

"Totally." Clearing his throat, Mr. Riku answered, "Shop Diesel."

After various cheers of approval, Sora walked by, a little peeved as he said, "Uh, hey—yeah, I had some new stuff in that trailer, too."

"Mr. Riku," said Jack Skellington, a fellow journalist, "what are your thoughts on hooking up with Kairi in Kingdom Hearts III?"

"Pretty sure that's not canon…" Sora grumbled.

"Well, it could happen. If it did, heh…" Riku chuckled to himself. "We'll save that for later."

And then Merlin, bouncing around in his wizard pajamas, asked what everyone else was thinking, "What do you think will happen to Kingdom Hearts fanfictions once part-three finally comes out?"

Smug as always, Riku replied, "Eh, I think those things will die out as soon as I get my own spin-off."

"Aw…" Merlin whimpered, cradling his own book of fanfictions.

"But I still think there's a future in SFM. That's Sexy Fools in Motion, baby."

"Okay, I totally came up with that, but that's cool," said Sora.

"Oh, and shout out to Sora for coming up with—whoa, Sora! When did you get here?"

Deflating a bit, Sora responded, "Just now, actually. I had to shake off a bunch of yaoi-fans on the way over here, so—"

The Moogle reporter suddenly asked, "Mr. Sora! Any news of Roxas making an appearance in the next game?"

"Yeah, I don't know—maybe?" The series' protagonist was running thin on patience.

"How about Winnie the Pooh? Can you shed some light on rumors of a torture level—?"

Just then, the paparazzi went wild as someone whizzed past them on a motorcycle.

"Who the heck was that?" Riku asked.

Squinting, Sora replied, "Pretty sure that was Cloud."

Riku said, "So? He's always hanging out here."

Sora clarified, "That was Cloud…with PS5 graphics."

"Oh." Riku shrugged. "I guess this is what it feels like to be you."


	6. Conference

**Chapter 6: Conference**

"Greetings," Xemnas, erm…greeted his four compatriots currently present in their air-conditioned meeting room. "I have called the four of you to this meeting today…within this room Where Nothing Gathers…to discuss an important topic…involving castle etiquette." He glared at Axel. Axel sank in his chair. And so, he continued, "Someone has been smoking inside the castle."

"Axel did it," Xaldin ratted him out.

"Oh, just 'cuz I'm the guy with flame powers doesn't mean I'm smoking!" Axel grumbled. "I don't even like cigarettes!"

"I wasn't talking about tobacco," said Xemnas.

Axel laughed nervously. "Okay—I'm sure plenty of people smoke the drugs around this castle. I think I even saw a dusk lighting one up before I came here. Also, how 'bout some proof before you go around accusing—"

"We found this baggie tied to your doorknob," Xemnas interrupted, producing said baggie filled with green herbs.

Slapping his face, Axel huffed, "Demyx…you freakin' moron!"

"Are you saying you got this from Demyx?" Xemnas's glare was subzero.

Xigbar chimed in, "Wuh-oh. Better cough up the truth now, Axel."

"So, what?! I scored some herbs off Demyx! What's the big deal? I'm not hurting anybody."

Xemnas shook his head. "On the contraire—Xaldin stubbed his toe while confiscating it. Technically, that's collateral damage."

"Uh…excuse me, _what?_ That's utter bullsh—"

Luxord jumped in, "Oh, listen. Now he speaks of udders and bulls. Perhaps we should drop him off at the farm with the rest of his bovine family."

Axel suddenly encased himself in orange flames, growling like a wild animal. Meanwhile, Xemnas inquired, "Does anyone know of any nearby farms…?"

"I haven't seen any," Xaldin replied. "But we are going to kill him, though, right?"

Axel stood up and screamed, "I wish you would, you motherf—!"

"—Flipper," said a content Luxord. "See? Now it's like he didn't even swear."

"I HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!" Angry Axel was pretty angry.

Xemnas wagged his finger. "Hey, stop that. No emotions allowed."

Seconds away from scorching the place, Axel bellowed, "I'M GONNA BURN ALL OF YOU TO A FREAKIN' CRISP!"

"Sheesh, what's his problem," Xaldin casually crooned.

"Buzzkill," Xigbar chimed.

"Calm your tender breasts," Xemnas commanded. And then, before lobbing the baggie down to the pissed off flame-head, he added, "It seems you'll be needing this after all."

Catching the baggie, a confused, short-circuiting Axel sputtered, "But I—you guys, I _hate_ —freakin', I wanna _kill_ …" And so, it happened, that Axel burst out weeping uncontrollably right before teleporting the hell out of there.

And then the remaining Organization members started laughing out loud at Number 8's expense.

"Oh-ho, my sides are splitting!" Xigbar cried, weeping tears of merriment.

"Quite a donkey, that Axel!" Xaldin also cheered.

Getting serious again, Xemnas commanded, "Settle down, brethren. Next on the agenda, let's seriously get some chicks in here."


	7. Sneak Peak

**Chapter 7: Sneak Peak**

So far, Deep Jungle wasn't Sora's favorite world, not even in his top five (and he'd only seen four new worlds), but that could all change depending on how many times that cheetah would keep attacking him. However, he was safe now, relaxing in the encampment's big yellow tent.

After reuniting with Donald and Goofy, Sora let them venture outside while he took a breather. Sitting in the corner of the tent, he tenderly nursed a microscopic splinter in his left hand.

His new ally, Tarzan, suddenly plopped down next to him, smiling eagerly while trying to get his attention with monkey gestures. Steeling his patience, Sora muttered, _"What_ is wrong with you?"

Nudging him uncontrollably, Tarzan started squawking, "Oo, oo, ah, oo, oo!" Then, he motioned at Jane.

"Hm?" Sora looked over at the Englishwoman, who was preoccupied with assembling the vintage projector. Sora asked, "What?"

Smiling deviously, Tarzan narrowed his eyes and said, "Jane wears thong."

Behold, Sora spotted the thin white undergarment exposed on the squatting woman's back. Just then, she turned around and noticed Sora watching her. Oblivious, Jane requested, "Oh, Sora—do you mind helping me set up this stand? It's a bit tricky."

Entering another fresh hell, Sora stood and up and answered, "Erm, sure."

Kneeling to help position the projector's stand, Sora then watched Jane rise and bend over to attach the assorted pieces. As she did so, she unwittingly gave Sora a full view of her ample bosom, which hung inches from his face while she worked.

Sweat poured from the Keyblader's forehead. Meanwhile, Tarzan walked behind Jane, silently making boob-gestures with his hands to make sure Sora knew about the presence of Jane's boobs. Tearing his gaze away, Sora attempted to ignore both Tarzan and the boobs, but unfortunately, both were quite overpowering.

Getting Sora's attention again, Tarzan sternly mouthed the words, _"Touch them!"_

" _No!"_ Sora hissed back.

"Do it!" Tarzan commanded a little louder. "Touch them, now!"

Suddenly, Jane turned around and asked, "Everything okay, Tarzan?"

Tarzan simply shook his head, disappointed with Sora's lack of initiative. After Jane returned her attention to the projector, Tarzan took a rock and threw it at Sora's head.

"Ow!" Sora suddenly shrieked.

Turning around again, Jane chastised the jungle-man, "Tarzan! That was rude! You have to be nice to our guests!"

"Tarzan trying," he grunted back.

"Are you okay, Sora?" Jane asked.

"Yeah. I'm more concerned about this splinter, though," Sora offhandedly mentioned.

"Oh, let me look at that."

And so, it happened that Jane started examining Sora's left hand. Also, Tarzan walked up behind Jane and pushed her into Sora, resulting in a head-on-boob collision between the young teen and adult.

Fed up with the random shenanigans, Jane exclaimed, "That's it, you little brute! Go outside and help them find the slides!"

Satisfied, Tarzan gave the thumbs-up before departing from the tent. Sora blankly stared forward, inexplicably short of breath.

Jane apologized, "You'll have to excuse Tarzan, Sora. He just acts so strangely when he meets new people. Like when he and I first met. He could not stop…. Well, maybe I shouldn't tell you that."

"No, you can tell me," Sora said without thinking.

"Well, for some reason, he kept trying to shove his head up my dress, and that's how I knew he was raised by monkeys. Honestly, it's a relief to find another civilized person here in the jungle. Would you believe me if I said I was waiting for you to put your head up my dress?"

"Huhhh?!" Sora stammered.

"But since you never did that, I now know you're civilized and would only ever do such a thing if you were a vicious pervert." She removed the splinter. "Ah, all better!"

"Thanks—whoa!" Sora was suddenly pulled in for a tight hug that made him feel warm and fuzzy.

To Sora's reluctance, Jane withdrew from the hug, telling him, "Now, go and help the others find those slides! If Tarzan knows where your friends are, those pictures may jog his memory."

"Okey-dokey…"

Sora exited the tent, regrouping with his friends. Donald crankily vented, "There you are! Now help us find those stinkin'—"

Sora fainted.

"Poor feller," said Goofy. "He's all tuckered out from adventurin'."

Meanwhile, Tarzan poked Sora's body with his spear. Then, he gave his analysis, "Tarzan proud."


	8. Hotel

**Chapter 8: Hotel**

Lost in Traverse Town, Sora had found his way to the Second District's Hotel. Roaming the empty hallway, he approached the counter and read the "closed" sign mounted on the window. Still, he rang the bell to see if anyone would answer.

He rang it a few more times, still getting no response. There was fine print on the "closed" sign, reading, "No vacancy".

"How about a brochure?" said the lone boy, taking one of the concessions from the counter. "Hm…an art exhibit, eh?" He saw a nearby painting on the wall, examining the art. "Hm…. 'The Autumn Dusk'. That's…autumn-y."

Apparently, the only other art exhibit was another painting on the opposite wall _waaaaay_ down at the other end of the hallway. Taking a slow stroll, Sora reflected on what the word "dusk" meant. Was that the morning one, or the nighttime one?

Brainstorming, he said out loud, "Let's see. There's dusk and dawn…like that movie I was too scared—I mean, too young to see. Who knows what it could mean?"

Finally reaching the opposite end, Sora examined the second and last art exhibit on the wall. "That's 'Midsummer Dawn'—whoa, I knew it'd say 'dawn'!"

Suddenly, the front counter on the other end of the hall activated its intercom, revealing a mysterious person's voice, "Paintings are great…"

"HOLY CRAP!" Sora jumped in fright. Spinning right around, he huffed and puffed, "Hey, didn't they hear me ring the bell?"

Running back to the front counter, Sora furiously rang the bell some more. This time, the curtain behind the window moved slightly, accompanied with another intercom message, "Paintings are great…. If you ever stay the night…try hitting the clock."

"Uh…okay? How about letting me have a room?" Sora asked.

No response.

Frustrated, Sora grumbled before leaving the hotel, "Whatever. This place is creepy, anyhow."

But within that staff-only room behind the front desk, a man dressed in a long black coat with the hood pulled up sat reclined in the darkness, listening to relaxing music. Satisfied with whatever he'd accomplished that night, the Master of Masters commented out loud, "That kid's gonna thank me later for the free Mythril. Of course, he'll probably forget all about it until the One-Point-Five-Plus-Two-Point-Five Remix comes out. Silly kiddo."


	9. Tales of My Home

**Chapter 9: Tales of My Home**

While Riku and Wakka honed their tree-whacking skills, Sora, Kairi, Tidus, and Selphie sat and talked on the dock of their play island.

"And then I said, 'Fix your own damn toilet. What, do I look like a plumber?'" Selphie had been talking for quite some time.

"Yeah, but you desecrated a public bathroom," Tidus countered. "They had to shut down the whole grocery store because of what you did—"

"Hey, how about we change the subject?" Kairi asked, rolling her eyes.

Sora conferred, "We could talk about Kairi's first home."

Selphie retorted, "Kind of impossible since she doesn't remember it."

"I still think she's lying—she's gotta remember something!" said Tidus.

"Yeah, um—not lying," Kairi blurted out. "If I did remember, I probably wouldn't tell you, anyway."

Thinking for a hot second, Sora suggested, "Hey, how 'bout we make up a story for Kairi's home?"

Taking a liking to the idea, Kairi said, "Hey, I'm game!"

"I guess I'll go first…" Clearing his young-boy throat, Sora unleashed his epic intro, "Once upon a time…. Okay, someone else go."

Interjecting with her own story-starter, Selphie tried, "Once upon a time, in a land ruled by dinosaurs—"

"Dinosaurs? Really?" Kairi fixed her friend with an annoyed look.

Tidus jumped in, "Yeah, like, some dinosaurs in the desert with super-sharp teeth, and they burrow themselves underground to sneak up on unsuspecting travelers—!"

"Whoa—this sounds awesome!" Sora cheered.

Relenting, Kairi added to the story, "Fine—whatever. Let's say I was the first child-queen of my own country, and I was coming up with a plan to stop the desert-dinosaur menace…"

* * *

 **-X-**

"Queen Kairi!" said a masked knight, kneeling before the throne. "The Desert-Dinos have converged on the north fortress! It is only a matter of time before they breach the castle's walls!"

"You fool!" yelled a toddler-sized Kairi. Jumping down from her throne, and almost slipping, she shouted, "You should be out there fighting against them! Must I do everything myself?!"

"But Your Highness…" The knight suddenly gave up his sword. "You are the fiercest warrior in all of Kairiland. Only you can stop this menace!"

"Darn it…you're right! Gimme that sword!"

And so, the pint-sized queen rallied her troops and led an assault outside the desert-kingdom's north gate. Riding horseback, she prepped her soldiers for battle, "Men! And women, of course! It is time for us to take back our rights to, uh…live without getting eaten by dinosaurs! And then getting pooped out and possibly eaten again! Lieutenant Tidus has been eaten like, six times!"

"Yeah!" shouted Tidus from the frontline, covered in shame and something else.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Wait a minute—how the heck am I in the story?" Tidus suddenly interrupted Kairi's word-flow. "And why was I eaten six times?"

"Um…reasons. Now, don't interrupt unless you have something to add!" Kairi resumed her story.

* * *

 **-X-**

"I don't wanna see you guys running home scared when the dinosaurs show up!" little Kairi shouted. "Now, let's go kill some monsters!"

" _Charge!"_ cried her second-in-command knight, leading all two thousand of her troops into the desert.

Together, the battalion of Kairiland stampeded the dry ground, and soon enough, a giant monster erupted from the ground before them; roaring as it jumped one hundred feet in the air, the scaly beast brandished razor-sharp claws and a long, spiked tail.

"Aim for its green eyes!" Kairi shouted over the chaos. "Throw the nets over its brown hair! Loose the catapults at its big, stupid mouth!"

* * *

 **-X-**

"Hey, that monster sounds a lot like me!" Selphie complained.

"Shhh!"

* * *

 **-X-**

Queen Kairi and her army managed to trap the great beast under a series of nets. Just as they were about to execute it, however, another great beast emerged from the earth, jumping high in the air to drop directly over the monarch riding horseback.

For dramatic effect, the child-queen gasped, "AAAH!"

* * *

 **-X-**

"Yeah, not to interrupt your story," said Riku suddenly. "But Wakka got hit in the head with a coconut. We have to get him out of here before he dies."

"Oh, no—the world is spinning!" Wakka groaned.

Going to Wakka's aid, Sora stated, "Guess we'll finish another time."


	10. Chick-Flick Ending

**Chapter 10: Chick-Flick Ending**

Kairi stopped at the gate. She faltered in getting on the plane.

Ursula, the airport clerk, requested, "Ticket, please."

Sniffling, Kairi stalled, "I know, it's just that…I can't believe I'm leaving this place for college and probably won't come back until I'm bitter and lonely because of…well, job reasons."

"Oh, honey," said Ursula sympathetically. "Being bitter and lonely ain't so bad. Now, ticket please."

Sighing, the runaway princess grabbed her ticket, saying, "Oh, well. I guess those traveling pants were wrong about my destiny. I might not find true love in this town after all…"

However, right before she handed over her ticket, _it_ happened. What did? Love. Love happened.

"Kairi—wait!" said a voice behind her.

Currently, Sora was getting restrained by multiple security guards about twenty feet away. Fighting off at least six of them, the handsome love interest appeared to be in a state of desperation, also looking like he hadn't gotten a proper amount of sleep.

"Sora? Is that really you?" Kairi asked in girlish amazement.

"Kairi! I—I remember what you said in the rain during that sad part when something tragic happened! Dreams _do_ come true!"

"Sora, what do you mean? What's happening? How did you get here? Is that really you?"

Body slamming one of the guards onto another, Sora stated, "Kairi, I love you! I want to spend the rest of my existence with no one else but you, babe! 'Cuz you're smokin' hot and I totally love your personality!"

Torn between her two choices, Kairi flip-flopped between the gate and the brawling man of her dreams. That's when Ursula helped her decide, "Go get him, honey."

Dragging her luggage behind her, Kairi ran over to the suitor in distress, coming together for a three-sixty rotating, romantic music-infused, everybody-in-the-airport-cheering make out session. Even the security guards stopped struggling, nodding their heads in approval as the lovers kissed passionately.

"Oh, Sora—I want you to give it to me off-camera tonight!" Kairi said that.

Then, he replied, "No, babe. Kingdom Hearts…is light. Also…"

* * *

 **-X-**

Nomura read Kairi's script for Kingdom Hearts III's ending out loud, "And then Sora grabs your butt and says, 'My friends are my power.' - Roll credits. Kairi, what the hell kind of ending is this?"

Scoffing, Kairi said, "It's the one I wrote! You said you were open to suggestions!"

Nomura threw it in the shredder. "That was trash. Get out of my sight."

"Ugh." Kairi left the office.

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** The "Nomura" mentioned above is not to be confused with any real-life game developer by the same name. This completely fictional Nomura governs the equally fictional world of Square Enix Headquarters and perpetually wears samurai armor.


	11. Dick-Flick Ending

**Chapter 11: Dick-Flick Ending**

Finally, Sora reached the rooftop of the abandoned chemical factory. Unfortunately, his target was long gone. Evidently vexed, he screamed into the walkie-talkie, "Dammit, Xehanort! I'm damn through with your damn games! Now tell me where you're keeping Kairi!"

"Mwahahahaha!" the evil laughter was especially evil. "You'll never find her in time. Perhaps you can follow the sounds of her screams…"

Xehanort must have held the walkie-talkie up to Kairi, who panicked from the other end, "Help me, Sora! This perverted old psycho is trying to dip me in a pool of acid!"

Sora kicked a nearby trashcan in anger. "Dammit! Wait, Kairi. Are you tied up right now?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"Are your hands tied up above you, like, you're hanging over the acid right now?"

"Actually, yeah. And my legs are tied up, too."

Sora kicked another trashcan. "Man, that's hot! You're still wearing that pink tube top, aren't you?"

"No. It was getting kind of hot, so I stripped down to my extremely skimpy bikini—"

"Hang on, Kairi! I'm on the way!"

Smashing the walkie-talkie, Sora pulled out another walkie-talkie to request backup. "Donald, I need you to use some high-tech mumbo-jumbo to track down Xehanort's position!"

"Roger that!" Donald replied. "Uh-oh—look sharp! You've got Heartless closing in on your position! It looks like at least fifty—!"

"I already killed them," Sora uttered. Indeed, he was surrounded by corpses of Heartless littering the rooftop. As they exploded into vapor one-by-one, Sora jumped off the rooftop, activating his hidden jetpack to sail through the smoky, battle-torn skies of Disney Town.

Donald reported through the walkie-talkie, "Xehanort's holed-up in the town square. You have to hurry, Sora!"

And hurry, he totally did. Touching down in the town square, Sora gasped at the sight of Kairi ever-so-slowly being lowered over a vat of acid by none other than Old Man Xehanort. She still had seconds before melting to death.

Sora tore off his own shirt, revealing oiled up abs and pectorals. "This ends…NOW!"

Laughing, Xehanort responded, "Oh, foolish Sora! You will suffer on behalf of darkness, and the destiny of hearts to become infused with the eternal desires of Keyblades, ravaging the realms divided into Nobodies…"

Sora stopped listening after "darkness." Focusing intently on Kairi's exposed cleavage, he blurted out, "Kingdom Hearts is LIGHT!"

Behold, Kairi's bikini flew open, revealing copious amounts of light that blinded Xehanort. And so, the evil old man exploded into blood and guts.

"I guess the truth…blew him away." Sora said that.

Shortly afterward, he rescued his object of a girlfriend, carrying her bridal-style as they flew through the beautiful sky on the back of Baymax. Also, a Linkin Park song started playing as they kissed before the stunning sunset. It was probably something from their earlier albums. Anyway, Sora continued to make out with Kairi, both of them topless and copping all kinds of feels—good stuff. So, they altered positions frequently, and then began to dry hump—

* * *

 **-X-**

"Sora, what. The hell. Is this?" Nomura seemed displeased with Sora's rough draft for Kingdom Hearts III's ending.

"That's totally how Kingdom Hearts III should end," Sora replied, reclining in his chair. Sounding easygoing, he added, "If you make it M-Rated, we could finally show some boobs in high definition."

Nomura slapped his samurai-armor face. "I'm starting to think you and Kairi don't know the first thing about Kingdom Hearts."

That's when Sora snapped. Jumping up out his chair, Sora shouted, "That's 'cuz NOBODY knows what the (expletive) Kingdom Hearts is! There's like, twenty games out, and not a single (expletive) person in the whole universe knows what the (expletive) Kingdom Hearts is!"

"Calm down, Sora! Just take it easy!" Nomura commanded.

Slamming his fists down on the game developer's desk, Sora screeched, "Do you know how (expletive) long I've been a fifteen-year-old kid? I've got freakin' blue balls, man, in every sense of the (expletive) word!"

"Sora, you're going to use up all your censor-bleeps at this rate," Nomura warned.

"(Expletive) you!" Sora wasn't letting up. "I wanna say words like (expletive), (expletive), and (expletive) without having it bleeped over like an episode of (expletive) Jerry Springer! I wanna buy liquor without having to make up fake IDs! And most importantly, I wanna get _laid_ , man! I WANT (EXPLETIVE)! I've been killing monsters since _before_ I hit puberty, God's sake! Do you know how socially awkward that made me? Do you?!"

Nomura shrugged. "I thought you and Terra Branford made a cute, non-canon couple."

"And then that stupid Mark of Mastery thing…"

Nomura inserted, "Yes, I'll admit that part of the story was meant to frustrate you, and it seems to have done the trick—"

Sora swiped everything off Nomura's desk. "I HATE YOU!"

"You were the chosen one!" the game dev wept.

"Oh, choose my NUTS! I hate you…I hate you…I hate you! And I hate Riku…and Terra B.…and everyone else, and I…I hate myself!"

"Yeesh," said Nomura.

Panting heavily, Sora took his script and threw it in the shredder. What followed was awkward silence.

Nomura piped up, "Now, listen—"

"(Expletive) you." Still smoldering with rage, he added for good measure, "I'm done with everything here. (Expletive) Kingdom Hearts III. (Expletive) Square Enix, and _everybody who loves this place."_

Picking up a radar, Nomura exposited, "You've only ten censor-bleeps left, Sora."

Sora could have melted the game dev with his glare. "Oh, really? How 'bout this, then?" Cue two middle fingers. "(Expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), (expletive), _fuck you!"_

And with that, Sora got up and left Nomura's office.

Picking up the phone, Nomura dialed a number and spoke enthusiastically, "Yasue! New idea: Sora embraces the power of darkness! Sure, I'll hold…"


	12. Other Worlds

**Chapter 12: Other Worlds**

Vanitas held the delicate flower between two fingers, rolling its stem back and forth. Xehanort's telepathy persisted in bothering him that day. Perhaps it was because he'd wandered too far out of bounds.

"What do you want?" Vanitas asked, diminishing his black mask.

"Vanitas…where are you?" Xehanort's voice echoed in his head.

"I'm out, exploring worlds, just like you told me."

"It seems you've wandered too far out of bounds," said Xehanort. "What world are you on, and how did you get there?"

"Beats me. And how do ya think? I used a Corridor…"

"Impossible. The place you're in doesn't have a Lane Between that reaches there. Unless the Corridors have been acting up again…"

"Who knows. I'll see you when it's done."

Vanitas produced a magic fire, burning the flower in his grasp. He stood up and leaped off the cliff, descending deeper into the war-torn jungle. On his way down, he saw various cliffs and trees, as well as an ancient Mayan ruin in the distance. Then, he noticed a young woman scaling the cliff's side with a pickaxe.

"Crap…" He wasn't supposed to be seen here.

Upon closer inspection, the woman had a bow and arrow fastened around her torso, and, judging by all the dirt, sweat, and blood on her body, she must've been having a rough time.

The girl must've heard Vanitas; turning around she nearly jumped off the wall in shock of seeing him. Their eyes met briefly as they passed one another, intrusive yellow boring into defensive brown.

"Great. Now I have to kill her."

He dug his Keyblade into the rock wall, slowing his descent into a bumpy halt. Immediately, he began climbing after her, using his superhuman strength to catch up in leaps and bounds.

The woman gasped and drew a handgun. "Stay back!"

"Nothing personal," Vanitas called back, admittedly happy to cause someone fear.

The woman fired downward multiple times; Vanitas dodged them all, finally coming in arm's length of the gun-toting mountain climber. In one swift motion, he disarmed and pulled her from the wall, opting to hold her precariously by the wrist.

Horrified by the boy's strength, the woman shrieked, "What are you?!"

"Wow…" Vanitas looked her up and down. He wasn't expecting such beauty in a place like this.

The woman landed atop the cliff with a loud thud, courtesy of Vanitas's throwing arm. The raven-haired teen soon followed her, though he landed gracefully on his feet. Scooching backward, the woman asked in a British accent, "You're not from here, are you?"

Vanitas just remembered he didn't have his mask on.

"Are you…just a boy?" she asked.

"Hmph." Without warning, he summoned a ring of fire around the woman. Giving an excruciating amount of thought to his next act, he tightly gripped his Keyblade and asked, "You gotta name?"

"Lara," she replied breathlessly.

"You never saw me, Lara."

With that, he turned around and dove off the cliff. While falling upside down, he reasoned with himself, "Wait. Maybe I should follow her."

Vanitas returned to the top of the cliff. This time, he was standing on the wrong end of a bow and arrow.

"Nothing personal," Lara stated before shooting one off.

"Hey!" Vanitas yelped, swiftly catching the arrow before it pierced him. "I let you live, and you show your thanks by shooting me—whoa!"

Lara didn't wait for Vanitas's response; she ran up and kicked him in the chest, knocking the strange boy off the cliff.

* * *

 **-X-**

Meanwhile, Master Xehanort was hard at work trying to sense Vanitas's location. Hammering his fist on the table at McDonald's, he growled, "Foolish boy! He could be destroyed if he wanders too far, or worse…he could become Self-Aware."


	13. Self-Aware

**Chapter 13: Self-Aware**

When I emerged from that egg-shaped chamber, I felt something new inside me. There was this…explosion in progress, and it resonated somewhere deep within. The only downside was that I knew entirely too much about…everything. Like being one step ahead of imminent danger. And because of this, I felt I was on borrowed time the moment I gained consciousness.

Walking through that mansion with Donald and Goofy solidified these feelings. I saw my own end while we walked and talked. The explosion…it was a mixture of fear, remorse, relief, and even ecstasy. I didn't know what I was going through at the time, but later, I found out I was trapped in an anomaly of becoming Self-Aware. To put it plainly, it's like I was _almost_ Self-Aware.

Oh, right. Being Self-Aware is a thing, by the way.

Ask anyone I know, and they'll tell you there's no way to be _kind of_ Self-Aware. You either know, or you don't know. Yet, there was a crucial point in my so-called life where I was just that— _almost_ Self-Aware.

I used this to my advantage. I had become a seasoned fighter after my awakening. I could see things before they happened, making my reaction time that much more impeccable. Never mind that incident in Land of Dragons.

As my second adventure through the worlds unraveled, I noticed my body getting stronger, my attacks becoming more clean-cut, and my magic more potent. It was frightening how much I enjoyed the violence, and at the same time, I pitied the Heartless and Nobodies we'd slay. Even the "bosses" were no match for me because I was simply too many steps ahead of them in combat.

And then everything would come back to that feeling of a ticking time-bomb sitting somewhere inside my chest.

I was slightly aware of what Kairi had been through while I was sleeping, and I knew just saying "I'm sorry" wasn't enough to erase her pain. As for Riku, I knew he needed forgiveness, and no amount of darkness was going to make me lose him again.

After he and I defeated Xemnas, or so we thought, I was all but certain I would succumb to whatever was exploding within me. But I found myself at peace. Kairi was safe. Riku was back. And the Realm of Light was nowhere to be found…

And then, that door opened. I told Riku, "We'll go together."

As we approached the light, my personal doom just seemed to evaporate. A short while later, we reunited with the others on our island.

Kairi held out her hand. She told me, "You're home."

I took her hand in mine, balancing her lucky charm between us. And then, a grand total of two seconds later, all of us became Self-Aware. By that, I mean we were invaded upon by strange people, whisked away, and told that we were inside a videogame. And that's how…well, whatever. I've got work to do.


	14. The Deal

**Chapter 14: The Deal**

Parked outside the boonies of Disney Town, a younger Mickey Mouse awaited the arrival of his tenuously acquainted dealers. Sitting in the sedan with him were Chip, Dale, and Jiminy Cricket, all of whom antsy about the situation.

"Man, why are we even still messing with those flakes, anyhow?" Chip complained from the dashboard. "Pooh and Tigger always wanna meet us at night in the butt-crack of town—makes me paranoid!"

"Oh, calm down, Chip," said Dale, the red-nosed chipmunk twin. "Obviously, they just wanna keep their operation 'on the sneak-sneak'."

"The heck is 'on the sneak-sneak'?" Chip seemed erratic. "Stop talking like you're some sort of chip-thug, like you don't have a fully charged nightlight back home!"

"It's plugged in the wall. No charging necessary."

Mickey intervened, "Will you two calm the hell down—we don't wanna blow our cover before they even get here!" Addressing the cricket on his dashboard, Mickey asked, "Jiminy—you got the munny?"

Whipping a pouch of munny from his pockets, Jiminy replied, "Damn skippy! Don't ask how it fit in my pocket."

"I never do. Look, here they are!"

Another sedan pulled up in front of their car. It stopped by the docks, then dimming its headlights before producing two shady figures.

Mickey, Jiminy, Chip, and Dale all barreled out the vehicle, slowly walking up to a halfway point.

Tigger and Pooh joined them midway, the former of whom carrying a suitcase while the latter smoked a Cuban cigar. Mickey greeted them, "Evening, fellas!"

"Evening, indeed," Tigger replied.

Puffing his cigar, Pooh stated, "You know, we have to stop meeting like this. I was just telling Piglet about our new golf course coming soon…and how you should golf with us sometime, Mister King."

"Just call me Mickey," said the young monarch. Pooh's threateningly friendly tone always made him nervous. "I'm guessing the Hundred Acre Wood is swell this time of year."

"Are you kidding? It's atrocious." Pooh looked dead serious.

"Okay…"

"…Atrocious if you hate paradise," Pooh added with a smile and wink.

Jiminy and Dale started laughing nervously. Meanwhile, Tigger and Chip were in the middle of a scowling contest. That's when Mickey cut to the chase, "Right, so about the acorns? Um, we've got the cash…"

"Right, the acorns. If you would, Tigger."

Opening the suitcase, Tigger presented over a dozen bright red acorns, each the size of freakin' baseballs.

Dale jumped up to Mickey's shoulder to get a better view. Nodding in approval, he chortled, "Oh-ho-ho, hell yeah."

"Good golly," Mickey said, completely entranced.

Closing the suitcase, Tigger stated, "And that'll be thirty big ones, boys."

Mickey walked forward, handing over the pouch and swiftly taking the suitcase. Awkwardly waving goodbye, Mickey stammered, "Well, uh…pleasure doin' business!"

"As always," Pooh said, taking the munny pouch from Tigger. Then, he bounced it in his paw, as if to estimate its weight. He fixed Mickey with a suspicious look, but soon smiled and said, "I trust you."

Jiminy exhaled a sigh of relief.

"C'mon, Tigger. Let's try to beat traffic this time."

And with that, the pair drove off in their Escalade. Prying open the suitcase, Chip complained, "You know, we really should've sampled these before they took our munny and left!"

Taking a long whiff of the acorns, Dale concluded, "Nah, it's the real deal, man! Mm, mm!"

"Welp, mission accomplished!" Mickey cheered. "Time to get seriously weird tonight, pals!"

Jiminy said, "You know, we oughtta start growing our own acorns. I hear it's relatively inexpensive to start up. All we need is an open area to store the little bastards, a portable A.C., irrigation system, and a few UV lights. It'll pay for itself and no one will ever know a thing."

"Besides us," said Mickey. "Maybe we can get Pooh Bear to show us how it's done."

"Bad idea," Chip warned. "They run a tight ship over in 'Fuster-Cluck Woods.' I doubt they'd go for a merger."

All of them hopped back in the sedan, where Mickey admitted, "I'm just glad Tigger and Pooh didn't chop our heads off and mail 'em to the Queen."

"Gee willickers—do they really do that?" Dale shrieked.

"No, Dale. Gosh, yer gullible."


	15. Twilight Town Hero

**Chapter 15: Twilight Town Hero**

"Gee, I sure wish there was a job I could do," said that one boy from Twilight Town, the one with the goofy look on his face. He's the kid that wears beige pants, a blue and white shirt, and brown shoes with white socks—the wardrobe of a champion. Walking back and forth in the Station Heights, the pint-sized non-playable-character bemoaned his inability to work a strong man's job. "Oh, man! At this rate, I'll never be able to afford a new skateboard."

Suddenly, the struggle promoter came barreling from the back alley, throwing quite a fit regarding an issue in the sandlot, "Good gravy, my goose is gibbled! Oh, heavens me! I need a heroic individual, notwithstanding his or her size and strength!"

"Whoa—that's me!" said the boy. "What is it, Mister Promoter?"

"Balls," said the struggle promoter. "Balls everywhere! There was a mishap in the sandlot that ended up spilling struggle balls all over the place, and I'm not nearly healthy enough to pick them up myself. See? I've got a splinter."

Briefly glancing at the promoter's pinky finger, the young boy asked, "Wait—maybe I can help!"

Gasping, the portly man asked, "Oh, you're a lifesaver! Quick, to the sandlot!"

Cue the floating-head-spinning-background transition, and the two had made it to the sandlot in record time. Just as the promoter said, balls were in just about every nook and cranny of the recreational area.

"Holy cow!" said the young boy. "I've never seen so many balls!"

There was a blonde girl panicking in the middle of it all, "I knew I should've stayed in bed this morning!"

The promoter begged, "Young man, if you help us gather these balls, I promise to reward you monetarily!"

The boy accepted these conditions. "I'm on the job, sir!"

And so, the promoter played "Eye of the Tiger" while the youngster hastily gathered the balls, separating them into two baskets, one for red and one for blue. The boy hustled like he'd never hustled before, kicking the balls like David Beckham, slamming them in like Air Jordan, and even batting them up like Babe Ruth. The kid was a natural.

Not even five minutes later did he have that sandlot clean and clear. Smiling from ear to ear, the boy said, "All done, Mister Promoter!"

"Wowzers, kid! That was incredible!" The struggle promoter fished out five hundred munny from his wallet. "Here ya go! You earned it!"

"No way!" the kid shouted. "This is more than enough for a new skateboard! Thanks, Mister!"

And then, the struggle champion himself, Setzer, appeared, offering his congratulations, "Nice work, kid. You're a real hero."

The kid gasped. "Setzer, the world-famous champion? It's really you!"

Setzer ruffled the kid's hair. With shimmering eyes, he stated, "In the flesh. Thanks to your harrowing act of kindness, the exhibition matches can go on, and for that, strugglers everywhere will thank you."

The promoter said, "You know, uh, we coulda used your help—"

"Well, gee! I dunno what to say!" said the heroic boy.

"Here—take my struggle bat. It's brand new, and all the real champions use them."

Taking the sparkling new struggle bat, the young boy squealed, "This…is so AWESOME!"

Posing like a legendary warrior, Setzer added, "And remember—you can be whatever you want. Just believe in yourself, and all your dreams can come true!"

Nodding dutifully, the boy said, "Yes, sir!"

Later in life, that boy grew up to be a deadly assassin, feared by many, sparing the lives of **none.**


	16. Kairi's New Outfit

**Chapter 16: Kairi's New Outfit**

Proudly gazing upon his newest pupils, Master Yen Sid announced, "You have done it! Lea, Kairi, you have become Keyblade…Novices, not quite masters, but that's still something!"

Both Lea and Kairi had been through some pretty rigorous training, leaving them battered, bruised, and panting like a couple of Great Danes. They high-fived each other.

Kairi cheered, "Hooray! We know the basics!"

Lea added, "Yeah, we kicked that tutorial's ass!"

"Settle down, my pupils." Smiling, Yen Sid continued, "Due to your stupendous progress in Merlin's training grounds, I have awarded both of you new garments for your travels. You can thank the fairy sisters next door for their craftsmanship."

POOF! A couple of suitcases appeared on Sid's desk.

"Sweet!" Lea shouted in approval, taking a step forward.

But Kairi halted Lea with her arm. "Wait! Let's see what they look like first!"

Laughing nervously, Yen Sid said, "You can trust the fairies. They fashioned your suits with utmost care—"

"Don't care, lemme see 'em. I don't wanna get too far away and find out I'm dressing like Aqua." Kairi's resolve was absolute.

"Fine." Yen Sid magicked the suitcases open. "There. How are they?"

"Oh. My God," Kairi practically fainted. She stared in horror at the polka-dot white dress with frilly sleeves. "Is that a (expletive) granny suit?"

Even Lea wasn't impressed with his new attire, a button-up black and white T-shirt with beige shorts. "You're joking, right? What, should I go bowling before we fight the darkness?"

Yen Sid sighed. "Look, the directors wanted a more wholesome approach with your outfits. They thought Lea should look more like a responsible adult while Kairi should show far less skin."

Kairi averted her gaze. "I doubt you can even see my eyebrows in that thing! Geez, I'll probably look like a walking bedsheet!"

Lea massaged the bridge of his nose in anguish. "And what do ya mean 'responsible adult'? I need to look like a hotheaded assassin, not a character from _Two and Half Men!"_

"C'mon, Yen Sid," said Kairi. "You don't really expect us to fight in those fashion-(expletive)-ups, do you?"

Sighing again, Yen Sid called out, "Fairies!"

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather emerged from the room next door.

"I told you they'd hate it!" Flora, the red Good Fairy, shouted.

Merryweather, the blue on, corrected, "No, you said they'd vomit when they saw it!"

"Does throat-vomit count?" Lea asked.

Yen Sid rolled his eyes, begging the Three Good Fairies, "Just make them new outfits, please."

Fauna said, "Sure. What would you like, Kairi?"

Kairi said, "I don't know. Something hot?"

"Coming up!" Fauna cast a spell from her wand, instantly changing Kairi's outfit into a see-thru dress with fishnet stockings, a leather crop top, and way too many bracelets.

Elated, Kairi shrieked, "Wow, I look like Cardi B!"

"Who used to be a stripper, but whatever," Merryweather commented.

"Wasn't that Lady Gaga?" Fauna asked.

"They were all strippers."

Flora addressed the redheaded male feeling left out, "Your turn, Lea. What can I whip up for ya?"

Tapping his chin, Lea hummed, "Hm…I wanna look like Alucard from _Hellsing Ultimate!"_

"Too easy." One magic spell later, and Lea was looking like the edgiest edgelord who ever edged.

Kairi shouted in approval, "We look sick as hell! C'mon, let's take some selfies!"

While Lea and Kairi snapped away on their cellphones, Yen Sid sighed before groaning, "I miss Sora and Riku. Also, we're going to need to reshoot this scene."


	17. Sneak Peak II

**Chapter 17: Sneak Peak II**

Deep Jungle…man, Sora was glad to be done with this place. He and Donald had gotten into it before crashing their ship, resulting in their separation. Then, he got attacked by a cheetah. Next thing he knew, he was getting literally _shot at_ by some sexually frustrated Englishman with a crooked mustache—now, all he wanted to do was fly the heck out of there.

After sealing the keyhole, Sora and co. hiked back to the encampment. Once there, Sora noticed Tarzan kept trying to get his attention.

"Hey, what's up, Tarzan?" Sora said, attempting to read sign language.

"Oo, oo, ah, oo," Tarzan started. Doing strange monkey gestures, he spoke a little clearer, "Sora, Tarzan, oo, oo, ah, oo!"

Sora drew a blank. "What does that mean, uh…I don't know what that means…"

"Tarzan, Sora, family!" he clarified. Excitedly, he jumped up and down, saying, "Tarzan big brother, Sora little brother!"

"Oh…?" Sora shrugged. "Whatever boats your float, T-man."

"Tarzan help Sora become cool!"

Suddenly, Donald called over, "C'mon! Let's get goin', Sora!"

"Yeah, hold on. Tarzan wants to make me…cool?"

Jumping around, Tarzan gleefully shouted, "OO-OO! Sora go with Tarzan!"

And so, it came to pass, that Tarzan hastily ushered Sora all the way to a different section of the jungle, a place the boy had never been. The whole time, the jungle man kept ooing and ahing excitedly, desperately trying not to spoil the surprise.

Bothered by all this, Sora huffed, "Seriously, what are you tryna show me? And, where are we?"

Slapping a hand over his "little brother's" mouth, Tarzan hushed him, "Shhh! Sora stay quiet!"

Venturing just a few meters further, Sora and Tarzan entered a dense throng of bushes, instantly making the Keyblader uncomfortable. He whispered nervously, "Oh, no—not bushes!"

"Shhh-shhh!'"

Crouching within the bushes, they heard water rushing somewhere below. Poking both their heads out, they overlooked a nearby waterfall.

"Yep, still confused, Tarzan," Sora reported.

Tarzan put his hand up, "Wait…"

Sora sighed. Then, behold, Jane arrived at the waterfall, where she stripped off all her clothing and began bathing.

"Whaaaaa…?" Sora said that.

"Shhh!" Tarzan shushed with a smile. "See? Tarzan told Sora Tarzan cool make…Sora…uh…Tarzan lost train of thought."

"Oh, my God…" Sora whispered. "I-I don't think we should be here!"

"No, Sora!" Tarzan chastised. "We cannot get closer!"

"That's not what I meant!" Sora grumbled. He was unable to tear his gaze from Jane's soaking-wet form. He'd seen naked ladies before in magazines and whatnot, but never this close in person. Especially not one so physically fit and…curvy.

Jane bent over to wash her ankles.

Sora just about lost his mind and went galloping in the opposite direction, exiting the bushes with unrivaled quickness. Puzzled, Tarzan waddled after him, though his attention was a little divided.

Sora ran all the way back to the encampment, stopping just before Donald and Goofy.

"There you are! We need to keep a leash on you, kiddo!" said Donald.

Taking note of Sora's state of disarray, Goofy remarked, "Uh-oh! You look like you're gonna faint again, Sora!"

"Let's just get in the ship and go, guys," the boy said, eyes looking like dinner plates.

Goofy asked, "Well, didja say goodbye to everyone?"

Donald asked, "Where's Tarzan and Jane?"

Sora said, "Um, we should go."

Then, Goofy said, "We're almost ready fly. We're just waitin' for the A.C. to kick in."

Then, Donald said, "Shouldn't take more than a minute."

Sora heard ruffling from the nearby hippo's lagoon. Shakily, he panicked, "Oh, crap. They're coming."

"…It's so nice of you to escort me back to the camp," said Jane, walking with Tarzan. "Who knows what kind of wicked creatures would ambush me."

Brashly shaking his head, the ape-man stated, "Tarzan no escort. Tarzan help Sora be cool."

Beaming, Goofy greeted them, "Hey! We were looking for you guys!"

Also beaming, Donald added, "Yeah, we wanted to say goodbye before leaving!"

Jane said, "Oh, my! That's awfully sweet of you!"

"Yep!" said Sora, facing the completely opposite direction. "Can't wait to see ya next time!"

Tarzan threw a rock at Sora's back, causing him to turn around irritably. After doing so, nothing protected his virgin eyes from seeing Jane stand there in a small, damp towel tightly wrapped around her figure. Being anthropomorphic animals allowed Donald and Goofy to go unaffected by the sexiness.

"Welp, thanks again for helpin' us find that keyhole!" Goofy thanked.

"We couldn't've done it without ya…probably," Donald added.

Staring dead-ahead, Sora said, "Yep, thanks for the keyhole."

Jane said, "We hope to see you three again. I've honestly never met anyone like you." She seemed to be looking directly at Sora while saying that. "May your journey be a safe one. And don't be afraid to come back some time. We'd love to have you for more romps through our little paradise!"

Not hearing one word, Sora replied, "Totally." He was on the verge of learning x-ray vision.

Donald reported, "A.C.'s working! See ya guys!"

Jane whipped her hair back once, saying, "Bye Goofy, Donald…and you too, Sora!" She winked and blew a kiss at the Keyblade's Chosen One.

Flabbergasted, Sora uttered, "Wait a minute…"

Suddenly, the Gummi ship beamed all three of them up to the cockpit, taking them back to outer space. While watching his otherworldly comrades disappear in a beam of light, Tarzan let out his trademark jungle-roar, "OOOOOAAAAOOOOOAAAAOOOOO!"

Finally back in the ship, Sora finished his previous thought, "SHE KNEW!"


	18. Flirting

**Chapter 18: Flirting**

So, they were going to build a raft, "they" being Sora, Riku, and Kairi. Somehow, they'd turned a bunch of logs, cloth, and rope into a somewhat sailable raft, and now all that was left were provisions for the voyage.

Naturally, Riku and Kairi made Sora do all the work, resulting in the boy's freaky encounter with the hood-guy in the Secret Place. While Sora was hopefully not getting murdered with an axe, Riku decided to strut his stuff after winning that race around the cove.

He lifted up one of those empty boxes just lying around, holding it high overhead to show off his great strength, such wow. He hadn't thought it all the way through; Kairi was really far away, down a slope and around a bend. Still, Riku braved the elements, carrying the wooden box with all his might.

Leaning on the mast of the completed raft, Kairi noticed him walking with the box. Curiously, she asked, "What're you doin' with that box?"

Strutting up next to her, Riku answered in a pompous tone, "Oh, you know, I just thought we could use some extra wood for the trip. You can never have too much wood, don't ya think?"

Staring at Riku with a puzzled look, Kairi asked herself, "What do I think…?"

Dialing up the innuendo, Riku added, "You know…gotta have that wood."

"Okay. Are you gunna do something with that wood?"

"Heh—what am I _not_ gonna do with that wood?" Then, Riku winked with a grin.

Kairi found herself giggling. Narrowing her eyes, she asked, "Why do you keep saying it like that?"

"Like what?" Riku played dumb. "You mean when I talk about my wood?"

"Ugh, are you being sick-minded again?" Kairi already knew the answer.

Feigning confusion, Riku asked, "What's sick about my wood? It's just my wood. I figured you'd love to have my wood."

"You need to keep your wood to yourself," Kairi declared.

"Fine, have it your way." No sooner after saying that did Riku chuck the box upwards, readying his sword for a decisive strike. As soon as the wooden crate fell close to him, he dashed and slashed forward with slightly exaggerated quickness, resulting in the delayed destruction of said crate.

Watching all the wood fly, Kairi faux-congratulated, "Nice job. You really showed that box a thing or two."

Posing with his toy sword, Riku replied, "That, I did, Kairi. That, I did." He turned around and walked back to his hot-shot-spot on the side of the beach, saying, "If you need anymore boxes smashed, you know where to find me."

Suddenly, Kairi called after him, "Are we still on for tonight?"

Looking back with a wink, Riku answered, "We'll see."


	19. Sora Meets Ven

**Chapter 19: Sora Meets Ven**

So, uh, around the time Birth by Sleep came out, Sora was acclimating to his new job at the aptly named Square Enix Amusement Park, where he worked as a cashier in the gift shop. No joke, that actually happened. He got paid nine gil an hour to stand around and crack jokes all day. Anyhow, on his way back from a hard day's work, Sora walks into his dorm room to take a load off, but suddenly, after sitting down on his unkempt bed, a boy sitting right next to him spoke up, "Oh, you must be Sora!"

"Holy freakin' A-Crap!" Sora suddenly yells in surprise. Looking to his left, Sora was face-to-face with Ventus in the flesh (sort of).

"Whoa, guess I should've been more tactful," Ventus admitted.

"Roxas?!" Sora mistakenly identified the boy. "How did you get in my room? What are you doing here? Why—oh, geez—why are you sneaking in people's rooms?"

Holding his hands up defensively, Ventus proposed, "Okay, let's slow down. First thing's first, hi, I'm Ventus. Not Roxas. His spiky hair swoops in the opposite direction."

"Ventus?" Sora repeated. "Wait, are you from the new game Birth by Sleep?"

"Yep. You can call me Ven. Second, anyone with a Keyblade can get in here real easy. That's what I did. It was definitely breaking and entering, but I was just dying to meet you, Sora. You see, our hearts have been connected since the day you were born. That's when you saved my butt from turning into a moaning, groaning zombie."

"Come again?" Sora could hardly believe his ears. "Since when does Kingdom Hearts have zombies?"

"Technically everyone in Kingdom Hearts should be considered a zombie, but never mind that. I was resurrected when you were just a newborn baby, so that kinda means we have the same birthday."

Massaging his temples, Sora lamented, "I swear, those game devs are just making this stuff up as they go. Whatever…. So, uh, you're not here to fight me to the death, or anything like that, right?"

Awkwardly looking around at Sora's semi-spacious dorm room, Ven said, "Um…I wasn't planning on it. And in case you were wondering, yes, I was invisible until you sat down." After reading Sora's blank stare, Ven continued, "Right now, I'm actually taking a pretty sweet nap in the Chamber of Waking, and I've been getting my beauty sleep ever since the fight with Vanitas cost me my consciousness. But, as you know, I can still go outside my body and talk to people, just like being a real ghost!" Sora's face had become even more clueless than before, looking as blank as a glass of milk. "It's a long story, but just know that 'you da man,' Sora!"

"Well, I've given up on trying to understand what you just said, but you seem like a perfectly okay guy to me. Maybe next time just approach me in the street where it's less scary, you know?"

"Seems fair," said Ventus. "God…you don't know how much you look like him."

"Like who?"

Ventus suddenly stood up, heading for the door as he said, "I've already spoiled too much for you. The rest you'll have to find out for yourself. I look forward to seeing you in Kingdom Hearts III, Sora!"

"Wait, that's it?! Am I ever gonna see you before then?"

Suddenly, things got serious. Ventus looked back at him with a hard gaze. "Probably never. I may not see the light of day ever again. Or my friends…. You just gotta focus on saving me in Kingdom Hearts III. Anyway, I'm off, bro!"

"Hold on!" Sora called, chasing after Ven. Standing in the hallway of his dormitory, Sora suggested, "We don't have to wait 'til Kingdom Hearts III! Just tell me where you're sleeping now, and I'll go get some smelling salts!"

Chuckling, Ven said, "While that is a pretty solid strategy, not even the smell of _teen spirit_ can wake me up. It's gotta be the work of a Keyblade Master, so make sure you show that Mark of Mastery Exam who's boss."

"Yeah, about that? I have a really bad feeling the Mark of Mastery Exam is gonna screw me over," Sora openly admitted. "But hey, maybe Riku will make the mark and save you before I get the chance."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that guy. Maybe I'll pay him a visit, too!"

Sora shook his head. "Don't do that. Riku gets violent when he's scared."

Ven nodded his head. "Lucky for me, health insurance is pretty cheap when you're a ghost. Anyway, I'll catch ya later, Sora. If you ever find that Chamber of Waking before the bad guys do, just come as you are! As you were! As I want you to be!"

And with that, Kurt Cob—I mean, Ventus disappeared in a burst of light, leaving Sora to ponder out loud, "What kinda ghost needs health insurance—oh, I get it, that was a joke."


	20. Random Acts of Violence

**Chapter 20: Random Acts of Violence**

Checking his cellphone, Xigbar was happy to report, "And…as of right now, Mister Big Boss is officially on vacation! Time to party—woohoo!"

Cracking the bones in his neck, Xaldin asked, "When does Xemnas get back?"

The third man in the Organization's common room, Luxord, replied, "Who cares? It's time for us to cut loose and cut plenty."

Loading up his twin bowguns, Xigbar explained, "Our pal Xemnas is gonna be searching for those chamber-rooms all weekend. That gives us a chance to finally spread our wings!"

Just then, Saïx walked in, brandishing his humongous claymore whilst saying, "Agreed. Let's just remember the purpose of today's excursion is to demonstrate the might of the Organization, meaning we'll not be making any new friends."

Cocking his bowgun, Xigbar smirked and said, "Right. Just a little education for the common folk."

Xaldin laughed. "Well, I don't suppose we'll be passing out pamphlets, will we?"

"Not a chance!" said Xigbar. "Hey, we're still short two people. Where're Demyx and Axel?"

Xaldin scoffed. "Morons are probably sleeping in. I say we leave them behind."

Spinning his guns around, Xigbar said, "Oh, well. Guess it's just the four of us."

Saïx summoned a Corridor of Darkness, then telling everyone, "I have already selected a world for us to ravage. It isn't one we've been to before, and I'm more than certain Sora and his friends have never even heard of it."

Luxord drew his deadly deck of cards, ready for the crime spree. "Let's quit wasting time and get to the carnage."

All four men stepped through the swirling threshold, entering a brand-new world in hopes of committing serious acts of public detriment.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Aha! Take that! You fascist hacks!" Xigbar screamed whilst emptying potshots at police cars.

Surfing the wind on a giant…um, card, Luxord jumped and smacked three guards all at once with another giant ass card.

"Wind, take you!" Xaldin screeched, doing his giant serpent-of-death routine, which involves utilizing all six of his lances to form a…giant wind-powered snake. Anyway, he was pulverizing numerous police cars, police officers, clumsy civilians, and of course, property all throughout the downtown portion of whatever world they were victimizing.

Just then, bodies upon bodies were sent flying across the street, courtesy of Saïx and his oversized claymore. Speaking of Saïx, that particular member of the black coat mafia was going berserk, swinging his claymore in wide open circles to clear the street of vehicles.

Without warning, a helicopter with snipers perched on either side swooshed on the scene. However, an airborne car collided into it, ending its assault rather prematurely.

Amid the explosive chaos, Xigbar noticed a civilian standing stock still down the street. It was a man in a black coat.

"Oh, great…" Xigbar swore. "Guys, who the hell is that?"

Noticing the black coat, too, Luxord muttered, "Crap…tell me that isn't Xemnas."

Landing on the ground next to Luxord, Xaldin commented, "We'd be dead already if that was Xemnas. Must be a grifter impersonating the Organization."

Pointing his twin bowguns at the mysterious man, Xigbar yelled, "You, over there! Drop your hood or get shot!"

The man replied in a familiar voice, "I thought I'd find you fools here."

The man stepped forward, prompting Xigbar to pop a couple rounds in his direction. Swiftly, the hooded man summoned a long scythe to block both shots, hardly faltering in his stride toward them.

That's when Saïx finally stopped going berserk, skidding to a halt between the mystery man and his fellow organization members. Saïx spotted the scythe, putting two and two together as he said, "Wait a minute…it's you!"

The mystery man finally dropped his hood, revealing a certain schemer from Castle Oblivion.

Confused and enraged, Xigbar shrieked, "You're supposed to be dead! How are you still here?!"

Posing with his scythe, Marluxia asked, "Do you truly believe death can hold me? My demise at Castle Oblivion was just the beginning, fellow comrades."

"You still wear the coat," Xaldin pointed out. "Does this mean you still serve the Organization?"

In response, Marluxia placed a hand on his chest and bowed. Rising up again, he stated plainly, "I serve the one, true Organization. Also, it is good to see you've decided to leave the lesser members out the picture. Hm…until next time, comrades."

As Marluxia summoned a Corridor of Darkness, Xigbar yelled, "Wait—that's it? I've got so many questions and whatnot! Wait!"

Marluxia passed through the corridor and ditched them high and dry.

After an awkward pause, Saïx said, "Well, now…that was strange."

"Totally bonkers," Luxord added.

"I know! That was weird!" Xigbar yelled unnecessarily. "Things usually aren't that confusing. I mean, that was really convoluted. Oh, well. Here's to hoping everything remains straightforward as we progress through our plan to use the hearts of innocent people to build a giant heart-shaped moon that allows each of us to become whole human beings again."

"Ditto," said Luxord.


	21. Divine Hate II

**Chapter 21: Divine Hate II**

Hollow Bastion's castle doors were locked, and Sora lacked any form of Keyblade to open them. Before he and Beast could continue exploring, thunder echoed above them, signaling rainfall.

"We must wait for this storm to pass," Beast declared.

They sat against the massive double doors, hardly protected from the storm. As time faded, Sora drifted off into a dream.

A relentless melody played somewhere in the castle's depths. The rain grew stronger as Sora ventured into the macabre estate. Even the ceiling fell victim to the downpour. Sora had entered some maze-like dungeon, where a lingering fog thick enough to blot out the corridor walls presided.

The floor was stone, also flooding up to the ankles. He suddenly found himself amid the rising waterfalls. This was where he felt the temperature drop. Right before he felt his body freeze, he noticed Riku's face in the rising water. He appeared larger than life itself.

The pale image of Riku's face displayed neither hatred nor sadness; however, Sora sensed impatience. He needed to act fast.

Swiftly, Sora leapt from platform to platform, securing his position near the broken stone gateway. His surroundings were nigh impalpable due to the storm, but he could still make out the lift stop just up above the gateway. Wasting no time, Sora zeroed in on the magical lift, activating its machinery before hitching a ride toward the twisted kingdom.

As the castle's enormous silhouette loomed closer, Sora saw Riku's face again, this time after he'd closed his eyes. Instead of impatience, Sora sensed a devil-may-care aura from his best friend's visage.

Sora's eyes shot open, quivering with rage. The lift was no longer taking him to the castle; it was lost in an abyss of falling rain with nothing above or below him. Clutching the prison-like safety bars, Sora felt his own hate manifest into tears.

That's when he saw him, a man in a black coat, walking on thin air. At first, he appeared to be a phantom riding the wind, but Sora soon saw a humanoid figure moving steadily closer to the lift platform. With every silent step the hooded figure took, Sora felt his heart pump colder and colder. By the time the mysterious man reached the enclosed lift, Sora no longer felt human.

Suddenly, he sensed someone moving behind him; it was yet another coat-wearing individual, but this person was armed with glowing, red laser blades on both hands. The second hooded man was standing inside the lift with Sora, and he looked ready to attack.

Looking ahead once more, Sora noticed the hooded man outside the lift was now brandishing his own special weapon. It was an ancient-looking Keyblade. The last thing Sora remembered before waking up was seeing a chilling, blue eye lodged in the ancient weapon's blade.

Back in the real world, Sora reawakened to the sound of Beast roaring into the sky. The rain had stopped. It was time to get moving.


	22. The Kairi Mob Fight

**Chapter 22: The Kairi Mob Fight**

Things were getting serious; Kairi was, uh…more or less completely trained in the wild arts of Keyblade wielding, and she was totally bragging about it.

"Holy shitake mushrooms, I am a hot-crossed boss, baby!" Kairi said that.

"Geez, Kairi, calm down," Axel, or Lea, or whatever told her. "You've been a junior Keyblader for like, five minutes."

"And already, I can take on the whole world! Did someone say, 'sick skills?'"

"No one said that," said Merlin.

Kairi, Lea, and Merlin were just wrapping up their midterm-slash-final Keyblade lesson, but it wasn't even their last lesson; Merlin just ran out of things to teach them. As a result, Kairi got so hype for her new skillset that she was quickly becoming the most annoying mouth-breather in Radiant Garden.

"Check me out," said Kairi, posing like a diva with her trusty weapon.

Lea sighed. "Fine then. Go find some Heartless and knock 'em dead. Seriously, I wanna see these skills."

Kairi chortled and said, "Oh, ho-ho, that's if you can handle it—can you handle it? Don't think so, young boy!"

"Young boy…?"

Merlin spotted a trio of Shadows waddling nearby the marketplace. Happy to put Kairi to the test, Merlin shrieked, "Look! Right there, Kairi! Go defeat those Heartless, and you will pass your final test!"

Scoffing, she said, "What, just those dopes? Fine, whatever. Don't blink, beardo 'cuz this ones gonna be a lightning round!"

Growling lowly, Merlin proposed, "You know what? I'll bring them to you."

Suddenly, Merlin magicked up a giant broom and dustpan, using said items to collect the unsuspecting Heartless and drop them right at Kairi's feet.

Lea crossed his arms, smirking as he said, "Time to put up or shut up, got it memor—?"

"Shut it, flamingo, otherwise you'll miss the show."

"Flamin—?"

"Yes, flamingo. Any more questions?"

Lea leaned in close to Kairi, muttering, "I hope those things pulverize you. I hope they call for backup and have one of those Fat Bodies sit on you. And I hope you're out of Potions, too. You're awful."

"Sit back and relax, fanboy," said Kairi, seemingly unaware of what Axel-Lea just said. With maximum effort, Kairi leapt skyward and slammed her weapon over one of the Shadows, which sunk into the ground in its shadow-like form to avoid taking any damage whatsoever. "What the…?"

Kairi started playing whack-a-mole with the lesser Heartless, but instead of mechanical rodents she continuously hit solid ground.

Noticing they'd avoided all Kairi's strikes, one of the Heartless stood tall to high-five his comrades, but his celebration was cut short due to Kairi tackling it.

Throwing her arm around its neck for a submission chokehold, Kairi muttered in its ear, "I've seen your death. It ain't pretty…"

The Shadow tapped out.

Merlin more-or-less enthusiastically congratulated, "Good work, now take care of the other two."

Already sweating, Kairi hustled back to her feet and attempted a dropkick in the second Heartless's direction. She, of course, missed and wound up becoming open season for all three Shadows to stomp the daylights out of her. One of them jumped and landed elbow first in Kairi's back; another treated her fallen form like a trampoline.

Once all three Heartless had their fill of princess-pelting, they high-fived each other and continued with their day.

Lea said, "Ha."

Kairi had a conniption; jumping and flailing her arms and legs, she took off after the unsuspecting Shadows and maimed them, one by one. With bated breath, she said, "Woo…I passed the final test."

"Great work, Kairi," Merlin said. "Also, I'm pretty sure they stole your wallet."

Patting her pockets, Kairi replied, "Shoot. Where'd they leave it?"

"When you defeated those Heartless, it appeared your wallet departed with them."

Lea reported, "I saw it float into the sky. You think there's a Kingdom Wallets somewhere out there?"

Kairi glared ferociously at Lea. "Give it back."

"Fine," said Lea, handing over what was once lost but now found.


	23. Another Sora

**Chapter 23: Another Sora**

The seven dwarves' cottage was flooded from the storm raging on outside. Little wooden chairs, discarded food items, and even clothing floated about the small living space. Various leaks in the ceiling formed waterfalls into the cottage, flooding the place up to my waistline.

As thunder boomed outside, I found myself alone in the small house. The seven dwarves had long since departed from the cottage, probably in search of a more suitable shelter.

I attempted to venture up the staircase, but an oversized armoire blocked my path. While attempting to climb over it, the armoire suddenly shifted and slipped off the staircase; in a desperate attempt to save myself, I grabbed the outer edge of the stairs and held on for dear life.

I heard footsteps coming down the stairwell; a shadowy figure stood above me, offering a helping hand, which I took. But rather violently, the mysterious person hoisted me upward, only to let me dangle before him. Briefly, his face shined from a streak of lightning outside.

"This place isn't meant for you," he whispered over the downpour.

For whatever reason, he decided to turn around and throw me through a window; my body crashed through the wooden framing, falling from the second floor straight into a river in front of the cottage. Struggling to reach the surface, I kicked and flailed until I found oxygen.

After regaining my footing, I peered upward at the person who threw me. I could spot yellow eyes through the heavy rain.

That's when someone grabbed me from behind, turning me around to face him. Somehow, it was the same raven-haired boy who chucked me. Tightly holding my skull in both hands, the boy said, "You and darkness don't mix."

He pushed me, and I fell back in the water, where I sank in depths unknown. Suddenly, cold air filled my lungs, and the locale changed to a castle courtyard in the night; I lay on the cold pavement of Beast's Castle.

Then, his face appeared before me, exclaiming, "But your light _binds_ with me!"

I couldn't speak.

He went on, "I know what I am. Pure darkness. You could be—should be—nothing to me. But you're not. And yet, to Sora—"

The young man's face went completely black with yellow orbs for eyes, albeit briefly before reverting.

"You're…beyond the light of this world."

Finally, I could speak. "…Who are you?"

"I…am another of Sora's growing list of enemies. But you can call me _VANITAS—"_

The dream ended. In a cold sweat, I awakened.

 **-X-**

Kairi's morning commute involved walking through downtown's Enix Square to reach her place of work. Enix Square—a place pivotal to their world's flow of commerce—normally surged with people of all shapes and sizes during that hour. Her bus stop lay just beyond the crazy person trying to get her attention. She recognized that person.

"Roxas?" she asked, loosening a headphone.

The Roxas-look-alike paused in his ongoing rant about "Shotlocks versus Limit Attacks" to fix Kairi with an amazed gaze. He asked, "Wait, did you just say something to me? Like, you can see me?"

Perplexed, Kairi said, "Of course…. I'm not used to seeing you in the flesh."

The young man asked, "Wait, what name did you call me?"

"You are Roxas, aren't you?" Kairi seemed unsure.

The Roxas-Look-Alike had nearly the same attire as his usual outfit, save for the weird armor piece on his shoulder.

He got to the point, "Sora? Do you know Sora?"

"Of course, I know Sora—"

"I need help finding him. He stays in one of the buildings around here, right? Please, tell me which room!"

"Roxas, you're scaring me," Kairi stated before walking past him.

"Ventus! My name's Ventus!"

Kairi stopped, turned around, and saw no one standing there, guessing the young man's crazy instincts kicked in and told him to sprint onward. And so, she boarded the bus, chose a seat by the window, and nearly screamed her face off when Ventus phased through the seat beside her.

Her miniscule yelp of surprise garnered a few puzzled looks from the other bus riders. Drawing the conclusion that no one else could see the boy named Ventus, Kairi carefully whispered, "Is this about Birth By Sleep?"

"Yeah, I'm the guy who's asleep," Ventus answered in a normal tone of voice. "Lately, my subconscious body's been sleep walking around people connected to Sora. Only thing is, they can't see or hear me. 'Cept today, you called me Roxas. Why?"

"'Cuz you look just like him," Kairi whispered back. "And what do you mean you're asleep? What's a subconscious body—and why are you following me around?"

"You can relax. I'm not here to hurt you—couldn't if I tried. I just really want to meet Sora." Ven sighed. "It's a lot to explain, but I think reconnecting with him in this world will help speed things up for Kingdom Hearts III's release 'cuz, uh…I'm gonna stay asleep until that game comes out."

"I…" Kairi thought about how helpless she felt in her dream last night. "I trust you."

Ventus smiled. "I'm glad. I promise, I won't put Sora in danger."

"It doesn't feel like you would. In fact, for whatever reason, talking to you feels like I'm actually around him."

"I think that's because…you know what? Never mind. Just think of me as another Sora, for now."

Still trying to look inconspicuous talking to a "subconscious body," the princess of light replied, "Room thirteen-twenty-seven. Destiny Dormitory. I don't know his schedule, so you'll probably have to wait for him."

Ventus smiled again. "Thanks. If this works, I'll have to thank you in person. And who knows? Maybe you and I will be fighting on the same team one day."

"Sure…um, so are you gonna—?"

"Yeah, I'll be leaving as soon as the bus stops. Kinda hard to phase through all this moving metal."

"Okay…so, do you know Roxas, too?"

"Nah. I might pay him a visit too, though. Does he stay around here?"

"Nah. He lives in Headquarters. With Naminé."

"Who?"

"Ah, never mind."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Yup."

"…"

"…"

The bus reached another bus stop.

"Well, that's my stop," said Ventus before climbing past Kairi to squeeze out the window.

Confused, Kairi asked him as he climbed, "Wait, I thought you said you were going to 'phase through' the bus?"

"Yeah, but then this way seemed a little more fun."

Kairi noted, "Wow, you ARE another Sora."

Ventus successfully climbed out the window, landing feet-first and drawing the attention of no one. He looked back at Kairi and waved goodbye, then walking away before disappearing in a burst of light.

As the bus began moving again, Kairi muttered excitedly to herself, "Roxas has a twin! I have _got_ to tell Naminé about this!"


	24. Take What We Want

**Chapter 24: Take What We Want**

"So…we can just take what we want?" Sora repeated incredulously. "Don't we have to eventually pay them back?"

"Pay them back? C'mon, Sora. I'm Hercules."

Hercules had been saying that line a bunch as of late. Picking up a piece of fruit from one of the vendor's baskets, he took a glorious bite.

"You realize you're eating a lemon, right?" Sora asked, eyebrow cocked.

"Of course!" Herc strained. "I always eat lemons! They're the bees' fustanella!"

Spotting a pile of vases, Sora inquired, "So what about these pots?" Smashing them for the synthesis item inside, he was cut off by Herc:

"Actually, that's destruction of public property, Sora."

"Oh, sorry…"

"…Nah, just kidding! Smash those pots! We never run out of 'em, anyway!"

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Hercules were taking a leisurely stroll through the rocky terrain of Mount Olympus. And then it happened, that Donald noticed the availability of ingredients in the immediate area, so he said, "This might—"

"(Expletive) yourself, Dolan," said Sora.

* * *

 **-X-**

The gang just got done Goofy Sledding through Thebes, except they stopped somewhere in the gardens because the controls for that minigame suck ass-clowns.

Sora jumped to flat land. "That was so awful."

"Neither of you can steer!" Donald bemoaned at two miles an hour.

"Gawrsh, I still had fun!" Goofy reported, but then Sora said:

"Yeah, have fun knowing I could run and jump faster than this team-sledding thing. No really, let's come back to this minigame when we're all extremely bored or hammered."

Goofy nodded. "A-hiyuck! My shield isn't made for three dip-shits—whoops, I mean half-pints."

"No, we're dip-shits for even attempting this in a crowded city, especially on hard pavement. This is the kind of stuff they do on _Jackass."_

Just then, several citizens approached the trio, one of them offering, "Hey, if you guys do that again, we'll pay you!"

Shaking his head, Sora stated, "No amount of cash is gonna convince me to do that a second time—"

"We'll pay you in Fluorite."

Thinking about it, Sora amended, "And Damascus."

"We don't have Damascus…"

"But…" A Theban woman offered, "I'll show you my boobs."

Sora, Donald, and Goofy did a three-sixty spin off a ramp, grinded down a narrow railing, and kick-flipped the shield before coming to a halt.


	25. Level 1 Critical

**Chapter 25: Level 1 Critical**

"Hey, look! Some Heartless!" A squad of shadows convened near the entrance to the royal palace of Agrabah. After getting their attention, Sora was ready to throw down the gauntlet.

Just then, Stitch crawled up to his shoulder, cautioning him, "Careful, Sora! Dis is Level. One. Crit."

"Meaning what, exactly?" Sora asked. While, Stitch grumbled aloud, Sora got a clue, "Oh, I see! This is an opportunity to test my skills!

"Hmm…nice knowin' ya," Stitch said before jumping down.

"Hm? What—? Oh, no!"

Sora had been blindsided by all four shadows; the first one opened with a dropkick to the face, sending Sora tumbling backward. That's when the other three began stomping Sora's body and limbs in rapid succession.

"Fwhat the _(expletive)_?!" Sora screamed from the ground.

The Heartless that had dropkicked him held Sora by the collar of his shirt, then dishing out punches to the face.

Another Heartless dropped down from above to plant both feet on the Keyblader's head repeatedly.

Sora groaned. "Make it stop…"

A rather cruel Heartless grabbed Sora's index finger and pulled that sucker backward.

"AAAAAUUUH! Ow, ow, ow!" That's when Sora's mind recalled being able to fight back.

With his non-aching hand, Sora smacked the Shadow still holding his collar, grabbed two of them by the antennae, spun them around, threw 'em, and then punted the remaining Shadow.

They all ran away and vanished, leaving Sora battered and bruised.

"That's right, you better run!"

And suddenly, a Fat Bandit Heartless appeared with a baseball bat.

"Oh, hi, Princess Jasmine!" Sora greeted.

The Fat Bandit looked back to see the princess, only no one was standing there. Turning back to Sora, the sizeable Heartless found no one standing there, as well.


End file.
